Wednesday, October 16, 2013

I'm Working Hard ....

.... at trying to stay positive and hold it together.

I've written and deleted this post so many times in my head, but today seems to be the day that I have to let it out.

I chose to say that I'm working hard, because I'm trying to use a very "action oriented" type of language. I am consciously trying to keep my thoughts and prayers on the positive side. The real truth is unfortunately, I'm feeling pretty non-positive right now. I honestly do believe with all my heart that....

It's just that right now, today, I'm scared.

I'm scared that....

- I haven't "gotten over" everything the "right" way, which means that I'm not "ready" for the new hello? How do I know what the "right" way is and who gets to decide that? When it be clear that I've reached that arbitrary point?

- I'm sinning because I still struggle with grief and frustration from time to time. It's MUCH less than it ever was, but those feelings still jump up from time to time.

- I'm sinning because I worry about the future. I make a huge conscious choice All.The.Time to release my worries and stress. I say "Lord, all of this is YOURS" and other similar statements out loud throughout the day. But then, I worry about my next step. I worry about looking for a job. I worry about not looking for a job. I worry about how I'm going to pay my bills. I worry that because I'm worrying about those things, that I'm telling God that I don't trust Him. Then, I say extra prayers asking for His forgiveness because of the worrying!!!! Yes, I come from a long line of worriers and God know that..... Still, I want to please Him! I want to fully trust and I am honestly doing the best I can.

- I won't be able to pay my bills.

- I'm not learning whatever lesson (s) I'm supposed to be learning. There isn't a textbook for this process. How do I know what to study? How will I know that I've learned the lesson?

- I'm not letting God know how much I DO appreciate the gift of time I've been given. I'm trying very hard to not feel guilty for resting and doing things that nurture my soul. Very few people have been given this opportunity and I don't want to waste it. I don't want to look back and regret that I spent so much time worrying and stressing, that I didn't use the time I was supposed to.....for rest and reflection. I have loved being at home! It has been wonderful in so many ways. Yes, there are struggles and there are things I miss about the "outside world",  but there is something very soothing about "Home". I am a true homebody.

I know that things WILL get better. I know that God has a plan for me and I am ready for whatever that may be. I would just like a little vision about what that might be!!! ; )

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