I was reading in bed last night (YES -- an honest-to-goodness real life book! Not a magazine, nothing electronic! An actual, hard-back, turn-the-pages book!) when it suddenly hit me.....
I Am Healing!!!
These last few weeks haven't been easy and they sure weren't like I thought they would be. We never know what our blessings are going to look like, so it's important to keep your eyes open for them all the time. Who knew that even the darkness would contribute to the brightness.
How do I know that I'm healing?? I don't cry at the drop of a hat. I'm not constantly reliving every moment that happened. I feel calmer. I can concentrate better. I feel happier about things and life in general, and I basically just feel more grounded. Both my insides and my outsides feel better and stronger.
My heart is still sad, but I can truthfully say that it isn't "crushed" or "broken" any more. I do still miss all that "it" was, but I have accepted that "it" doesn't exist anymore. "It" was a magical place and time and will always be important to me. "It" was a special season in life and now it's time for a different season.
I'm still working on the complete forgiveness part. I think it's easier to simply move on than it is to consciously forgive. Honestly, when I do think about everything, I am not at the forgiveness point. I can almost say the words, but not quite, and I don't want to say it until I'm ready and it's 1000% true. Yes, I know that forgiveness is really for me and that God requires it. Perhaps I'm closer to this point than I realize.
Does it negate anything if there's still part of me that's wondering when the next shoe will fall? That time before I fall asleep is still the hardest part of the entire day. It's hard to fight that sense of foreboding that things really aren't OK and they aren't over. Inside, I'm still an insecure child that wants to please everyone. It hurts me that I haven't pleased everyone involved. Of course, that's silly and I do understand that. It still doesn't change my feelings....especially in the dark when all the voices and the instant replay comes back!!
So for now, I'm still resting, praying, listening, and working on falling asleep in a peaceful state of mind. I can't promise that I won't have another crash next Wednesday at 9:17 p.m., but I can promise that if that happens, I'll be OK.
I KNOW that I AM HEALING
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- ► 2012 (39)